A Lack of Specialism.
Now that the dust has settled, I feel at somewhat ease.
Manju mama dropped by, he's staying with us for a week. Insane that it took me 22 years to experience living with my relatives! And it's pretty surreal.
Mine and supra's first reaction was to outright oppose it, blindly so. I've come around to accept it, though, Supra doesn't like it. Amma says she doesn't, but deep down she kind of likes having her bigger brother around. More love to spread!
This weekend was the first that I didn't blindly go on another road trip! I had some good time catching up on lost sleep, and lazing about. Though, I'd almost set out to write a novel once again. It's terrifying to get started on it. But I've started to realise the patterns the same -- my own company? once i'm ready. my book? once i'm ready.
I've been taking my own time indeed!
As the FO conundrum is cleared, we've gotten to work. It feels good working on something, but it's an unsettling peace. The work just doesn't feel right. It feels temporary, fleeting even. And the generalist pill that I'd so traditionally learnt to accept seems crumbling right in front of me.
I just feel very, expendable. At the moment, if one ought to be stripped down to the bone, they'd be able to justify themselves to some merit. A PM would justify himself with the products he's built, the mentality he brings, an analyst with the queries answered. Yet, when I look at myself, it is a smorgasboard of chaotic work. And not chaotic, more painfully, half-assed. It's finished, but it's always half-assed.
Paranoia is too strong of a word to describe what I'm feeling but a deeper question I found myself asking was this -- why dognosis? It was meant to be a stepping stone to doing GRE, yet I'm stuck in a cycle of just wake up, office, eat, video game and sleep. A good analogy (since I'm watching bits of it on YouTube) would be that of Jim just before he invests in himself and moves to Athleap.
The question I ask, is clear. What am I doing here?
I'm not getting fitter.
I'm not preparing for my masters.
I'm not able to follow what I want.
What am I really doing?
It's a chronic issue.
A lapse of judgement or, more appropriately lack of discipline.
It's what I'd call, hubris and a lack implementation. A lack of implementing my own plans, and pure ego to not study. This should not happen. But I'm glad I realised it.
Now I just don't like this.