At the Cusp
Life's going swimming-ly.
- Personally, I'm returning to exercise, working on hobbies, and going riding so it's a W.
- Professionally - I'm working on HR tasks, but I'm filled with ample time to work on what I like, the office is 15 min away from my home, so would I register it as a Win? Yes.
- Socially - I haven't been able to make new friends (yet), excluding Lossfunk, but I'm in touch with almost everybody whom I'd considered important, so yes.
- Spiritually - I've re-discovered god and re-defined my relationship with my religion, so is it an improvement? Yes.
But yet there remains in me an unsettling unease. I feel restless. Unfocused.
Is it ADHD? Might be. When I look at how the road is, it seems just picture perfect.
I find myself yearning for more. To be bigger, to take on more responsibilities. To move out and face the struggles my parents faced.
Strike that.
I always feel the grass is greener on the other side.
Plum looks fancy. A realisation of what I'm missing out on at August AI makes me a bit FOMO. I feel like I have so much untapped potential that's not being used justifiably here.
Am I overreacting, or am I possibly just throwing a tantrum? Is this unease justified? Am I overextending myself trying to reach for something that I'm not deserving of? Am I really talented enough to do anything??
The spiral can keep getting worse, but on a grassroots level, I'm confused. At the cusp of landing a job which I'd dreamed of 2 years ago, doing work that I enjoyed doing both at Dognosis & Lossfunk, there's a bottled-up emotion that I just can't describe.
Am I chasing the same role/emotion/challenge that I'd faced in August AI? Am I looking for a mentor whom I'd lost in Anuruddh? What am I doing? Where will I go?
Why am I choosing to leave all this comfort for something new? Something far more challenging. Is it really worthwhile?
With the time ticking, I see my peers leading their lives. For sure, on their own clock, yet I cannot help but feel how intertwined I am with their clocks. I see a peer's achievement and want to accomplish something that rivals his.
To come to terms with it, I don't seem quite ready yet. To sit and brood over it, is yet another emotion I can't seem to process. What must I do?
As I head to Goa the day after tomorrow, I'm left in a pool of thoughts. Where do I go? What do I do?
The bike ride only seems to have momentarily cleared my soul. But it has only brought about more questions. Or maybe it is the unknown nature of the role ahead.
The role from [REDACTED] is something that, when described, sounds fun, but I worry it would be akin to Superkalam (in that they might fire me randomly). To hold such concerns seems trivial when examining from a third-person, but for me, I find it terrifying. I can only hope to forget the time I spent sitting at Third Wave/ Starbucks. I remember breaking down randomly at Orion's Food Court. It was hell. And I don't want to go through that again.
Dognosis provides me with the opportunity to not. To lead a life of ease, relaxation and comfort. A workplace I share with my girlfriend, with a lifestyle that would leave even my well-paid peers at unease. But the new role brings promise, but it's across a chasm I fear to jump over.
Am I just afraid of newer challenges? Of meeting insanely talented people and realising I will, yet again, have to claw my way through?
I do not know what to do. Dad says, I am a 'pakka brahmin', whatever meanings that it's supposed to carry, coward is pretty clearly one of them.
But I can only sit in these thoughts. I'm worried, grateful for what I worry about, but worried about what's in store.
I can only keep writing, am I ruminating? Haha, Marc Andressen will lose his shit. But it's a worthwhile investment as I feel a bit clearer as I write to myself.
To best describe it, I'd consider myself like Frodo before he sets out from the Shire.