Dark Thoughts Float in My Mind
This is but a pt.1 of two posts that I wanted to make articulating what I believe is my key learnings from Singapore.
What I'll write later is more a comparison between India and Singapore, but this post is a reflection of my behaviour and actions during the trip.
Singapore was like 'homecoming' of sorts. An opportunity to allow for us to re-live memories, for mom to have a look one last time at the city that helped her get on her feet and survive, and what we called home for the first 6 years of my life.
It's kind of crazy to think that this visit to Singapore is the last visit my mom will make to this city for the rest of her life. And the tail-end 'rest of her life' haunts me. I witnessed first-hand the impacts of her aging. Her tendency to sleep just a little bit more whenever the chance is provided. Her back aching, her legs hurting.
I mean yes, 15k steps is a lot... but three years ago, it was easy for her. I don't like what I'm seeing and it pains me. To see slight creases on her skin showing the signs of aging, the greying hair and the tired eyes. I might be portraying a picture scarier than it might be, but it still is horrifying.
Yes, we both have had our differences. We fight almost every alternate day. But to think that someday we might not fight again? That terrifies me. I am reading too much into it. But I need to cherish the moments I got with her.
That's what I think I'm trying to emphasise. During the trip my phone usage was chronic and there's no denial of it. Over the past 5 days, I've averaged over 8 hours and that's disgusting. Literally, viscerally disgusting. Time could've been spent with supra and mom. Time could've spent appreciating the surroundings. But no. Reels are king.
It's this disgusting relationship that I can't stand for. Each day I feel more that time is ticking. I'm now closer to 40 than otherwise I'd thought of. I'm terrified to still stay the same. To still stay average.
As I came across a tweet, I found myself looking at a tweet summarizing dostovesky's life. Particularly, it mentions a piece of art. Titled 'The Body of the Dead Christ in the Tomb', it is the only piece of art that has managed to elicit a reaction from me. Of horror. Of shock and of fear.
Fear of the futility that the actions I do are but squandering away time. Horror at the fact that the Son of the Lord lay bare, shrivled and moulding away despite being favored by god. Of shock that such a man of action and piety also endures the same fate as of us all.
I cannot help but start questioning my life and ambitions. To what aims do I lead my life by. To what aim is it intentional. To what ends is it meaningful. A part in me awoke to this painful realization. That I am still far from doing anything meaningful, relevant. What I have given to my family (supra, mom and dad) has been pain and disappointed, served through harsh words, distasteful looks and a lack of any responsibility. And what's more shocking? Rather than try to do something meaningful or amend my ways, I'd given up.
The painting was also added to the fact that Singapore had AAAI conference happening. A gathering of intellectual, inquisitive researchers. What was I doing there? Nothing. Just sightseeing and having fun. What of the ambition? What of the ambition to climb the highest peaks, to do the daring and fight against the absurd? It seemed to have crumbled and fallen apart amidst all of life's trivialities -- the next job, Full-time, the next party, the next trip.
I'm not demonizing partying, working and enjoying full-time. All I ask is why not aim for the stars? When I assess myself deep-down, I see a fearful, heart-broken, selfish child. I need to start living for others. For mom, supra, dad, shrish and my friends. It's my duty as I have survived the accident to aim only or the greatest in everything. From career, entrepreneurship, masters, fitness, you name it.
One night, as I tried falling asleep, I found myself again thinking about the painting. We all will end up like that. I found Gayathri (or the atman inhabiting her body) as my mother, Supra (the atman inhabiting his body) as my brother, Narendra (the atman inhabiting his body) as my father, and all my friends purely out of chance. I survived this accident, purely by chance.
To not work towards something and be grateful for what you have, to not be respectful of those around you, not tolerant of those around you is to reduce the value of life to that of a disposable condom. A use-and-throw item.
Be grateful, be respectful, be kind, be responsible. Take responsibility for your and others actions.
All of us are to end up like Christ. However, to end life like him is next to impossible.