Impostor Syndrome.
It's so unreal, but I keep getting more inbound calls.
Interviewing at a company that seems to be filled with excellent and overaccomplished people, working at lossfunk with people who are SOOOO GOOOD. I just can't help but feel like an imposter.
In my all to honest opinion, I'd prefer to join this company. At Dognosis, I don't feel challenged enough. And i kind of don't like that. August has taught me infinitely better to work along with amazing people. And as close to the tech as possible.
So that's what I'd be doing now. Praying I get a callback for joining and possibly building something with frontier labs. However, there's no harm if I don't. Sure, it'll sting for a few days. But my long-term goal has been to break into finance. And I think staying doggedly focus on that, will pay off. I see myself in UChicago, doing the MSFM program.
But how's work at Lossfunk? I think I'm doing good stuff. At the moment, the model is managing to play the game. Not so great, but still it's doing good. At the moment, I don't see an end to this but I think chipping away just makes sense. I'm going to give it my all.
I don't feel I'm being challenged enough by anything I do at the moment. And neither is there pressure to do it. I'm not sure if this is normal, if this is how it's supposed to be. I don't feel like I'm 10x yet.
And it's too comfortable. Maybe because I don't have a system of things? I think that's mostly it. This is further compounded by the fact that I don't interact enough. I've built walls around myself which make it impossible to interact with new people and stay humble and grounded. That's where I lack. Being sociable has been a problem for me.
I don't think it's just that. In a cruder, spiritual aspect, I feel like I just can't visualize myself as top of the metaphorical food chain. Nowadays, I don't see myself as the most sociable, most smart, most fit or most ---. A delusional/appreciable self-confidence is something I find myself lacking with.
As soon as I got accepted to lossfunk, I started questioning myself. Do I have the skill, the patience and the ability to meet the deadline? Can I manage to build what I've set out to build? I'm paranoid about all of this, but most of all it's purely stemming from a scared inner voice, yelling - 'you can't do it.'
I don't dance in front of my family because, oh, it's not cool. I get really moody and can't take some stuff in my stride, why? Well, because I feel like people are speaking the truth - when they aren't. My biggest enemy really has been myself. My self-doubt, and my ability to not act.
And though I used to find it stupid, visualization does work. What you ask the universe, it gives it back to you. Yes, I will get that job. Yes, I will deliver on lossfunk. Yes, I will get into UChicago for MSFM. It's only a matter of time.
Greatness is waiting for me. I just need to get there to meet her where she wants me to be.