My Relationships
I feel dejected.
We were supposed to go to Ranganatittu National Park to watch migratory birds. It was supposed to be supra, mom and me.
And guess what? I didn't go.
Yes, while I did have a splitting headache, this headache was more a consequence of drinking 2 BRO Code's the day before and recvoering from it.
And I do believe that I what I did has no redeeming. Yet, mom will forgive me. That's because she's a mother at heart. She isn't programmed to keep staying pissed at me.
Yet knowing that, I still feel dejected. Less over the act but more over the consequences. She cried for nearly 20 minutes in the car, from what Supra said. Yes, she is emotional and sensitive. But her reaction to this? 100% valid.
What she said later still stings me. For in her mind, whenever I come to talk to her, it always is for something monetary. In her mind, I'm a son who uses her for her money. She has said 'I'm like an ATM' during arguments to both me and supra before, but we all knew that was in a fit of anger. However, this time it really hurts.
I tend to usually react the moment such sentences are uttered, but now understanding the implication underneath it pays me to act better. 'You use me for money?' is less a psychotic crashout, but more a perception developed because of how I have treated her.
In her mind, my happiness and smiling face she associates with me asking for something. I still do not know where it stems from. Despite me trying last year to be a better son, sharing more about my work and my day.
It also might be because of her comparison in time spent. 2025 was a year where I spent more time outside rather than indoors. I spent free evenings in pubs, with friends, at events rather than go anywhere with family, answering calls on long 2 hour walks talking endlessly. And that's facts because, 2025 and I've not gone for any trip apart from my graduation.
Nobody came to me when I was at the accident. Nobody supported me.
It was only family & shrish that helped me up. They were the pillar I needed.
Shit. Mom is right. Her perception of me, is valid. It's funny how everyday I learn something about myself that I need to improve further. No kidding, 2025 was the year I professionally developed. The year where I found myself as an individual who is a swiss-army knife. 2026 now requires me to look inward.
To be more proactive, receptive and more accountable. Goal-setting, lifemaxxing and personality developing. What I mean is this -- last year, I think I found myself stripped of choice. I worked based on the cards life gave me, and always played a defensive game. i reacted, and never acted.
Somebody called? I answered. People wanted to catch up? Yes, I'm in. Need a shoulder to cry on? Yes, I'm here.
I shriveled away from building new relationships because the image I'd cultivated and still maintain, regrettably is that of a social pariah. A man with his guard up. Ironic. A man always has his guard up when he has nothing to offer. He's scared of being exposed.
While the tone might seem like as though I'm going to stay a pariah, use everybody to my will, that's all stupid.
All I'm thinking about right now is lifemaxxing. It's just an effective way for me to phrase 'being intentional' but it's more than that too. For me, I need to act. To show I value people. To show I'm a great addition to the team. To think, act and decide for myself.
A great example - yesterday. I could've chosen to sleep in early. I could've chosen to go but not drink and return home early. Hell, I could've chosen to go, drink, and then rise the next day keeping my word to my mother.
I didn't choose because within me, a self-identity of a man frozen with indecision, lethargy, procrastination, indiscipline and a social pariah has been cemented.
And the only way is to not incrementally change it, but kill that person now. To visualize someone completely different.
Bring value to the table. Let your guard down, cherish people, act with boldness, be bold and wear yourself with pride. Because if you have nothing to hide, who can hurt you?