diblogs

Reflection on My Self (Pt. 3)

This year really has been a series of ups-and-downs. Trust me, I'm totally glad that I'm ending on an high (got into lossfunk, yay me!) but I think a strategic re-alignment has been long overdue.

I'd say the problem purely is the fact that I can't imagine taking accountability of my life. To think about the next steps and possibly risk losing out on something else.

It's natural for most of us to do it, but I'd rather focus on me than try to compare myself to the rest and feel satisfied about how better/worse I'm doing.

Victimization sucks and that's a painful but key realisation I've come to over the course of this year. I'm super grateful to august and I do believe it's something I might keep repeating for the rest of my life, because of how I was treated. As I'd mentioned earlier, from the outside and inside it feels like you're in a boiler room, nobody likes you and you need to keep delivering. But as you hate it there then, you're envious of it now.

It's a privilege to suffer. Because when you're so down low, you really come to terms with yourself.

My feelings of gratitude? Purely from the fact that at August, I realised I wasn't worth so much. My belief I can go harder at any task? It's purely because of what I've already doner.

My mental fortitude to withstand anything? Eating out of cafeterias and food courts after being fired (unjustly) from Superkalam while people judged me applying for jobs, trained me for it.

It's a shame we choose to stay comfortable. Because really anything great has always suffered to get there. Diamonds are built under pressure. A beautiful fit body is obtained by torturing the muscles. An elegant LLM is presented to us by making GPUs endure extreme computations, pushed to the brink by engineers who work un-godly hours to push a few FLOPs worth of better performance -- every, single, day. If it isn't hard for you, make it hard. Go the extra mile to make it even harsher.

And the solution to get to world-class, in my opinion isn't hard. You are only limited by how hard you can outwork somebody else. You don't need to worry about shit like grades, competitions, etc. By outworking someone you learn stuff for life. Most of my peers might've forgotten DL (except those working in the field), but me? I'm freshly brewed.

Outworking people is the only indicator of success in life. Intelligence is just a force multiplier. I think of it like this,

success = intelligence + (hardwork)^velocity

Sure, intelligence is great. But with hardwork, compounded by a faster iteration speed, one is unstoppable.

There is no excuse for not working hard. To work hard is to respect the work.

My failures this year, stem purely from a lack of bias to work hard. Superkalam, didn't work hard enough. But did I not???? Because from the feedback I'd recieved it wasn't that I didn't work hard enough. It was that I didn't pay attention enough. To look into the details, seek, find and understand what no one saw. Yes, that's where intelligence shines. Let's update & re-arrange the equation -

success = attention-to-detail .(hardwork)^velocity + intelligence

This stems from a lack of focus on my end. Attributed to multiple different factors -- from distractions in devices, people to my impatience to see through work and rush to finish. A lack of meticulousness and attention to detail is missing. Usually due to a lack of focus or a lack of interest. But that chronic issue I am yet to fix.

It might be because I don't want to think and get the problem over with, or I might not just be interested in the task. But that has led to a termination at Superkalam, a lecturing by Anuruddh and the reason why I struggle. Meticulous in my work is something that I've failed to inculcate.

I find myself riddled with weaknesses. And the common thing to default on is to try and curse yourself for what you've done. Yes, you are your harshest critic. But you are also your only ally. Being bulletproof about your image while being harsh on yourself, is all that we need. it starts however, by looking at what you want:

It's these foundational behaviours I'd like to have in me. Yes, they aren't impossible to have. And yes, they do show up in every aspect of life. From health, work and sports. These foundational behaviours cover everything. They aren't achieved in one-go, neither are they permanent. But they are an active choice I will need to make in order to succeed.

To now coin down foundational principles would be the right next step, so yes I think I should do it. For context, the setting behind these pieces come as I read the 7 Habits. It's life-changing. But first I want to reflect more.

Who am I?

What do I like?

What do I lack?

Who do I want to be?

What do I need to get there?

What do I want to see in 2026?

The path to getting there is purely by putting in the work. Forget doubting yourself. That's so 2010s. Now you put in the work and leave it to Maa.