Stay Humble.
I feel broken today.
Maybe not completely broken, but definitely really beat up.
And it's cathartic, but it still hurts a lot.
The GRE is a simple test of arithmetic, algebra and geometry.
A while back, when I gave it, I scored 310. 325 was within reach. ISB, Oxford, Harvard were within reach.
Each concept that I applied myself too, seemed easier. Seemed more like an attempt to score better to suceed better.
And each question answered, came filled with hubris.
I knew I was 'the shit', the guy who can top it if he applies himself just enough.
Well, I gave my first practice test after a week of properly studying and got served. 300. A drop.
I had been putting in the work, been practicing consistently. But still, 10 points less. Yes, maybe the quiz I took was a shorter version, but nevertheless, it hurts. A lot.
Not because of the score, but I think deep down, who I thought I am has finally broken.
Throughout my life, I felt I was an intellectual. Thinking of the big picture, a man with a crticial thought process and someone who articulated himself clearly. I was meant to be part of the 'social intelligentsia'. But boy, this was a kicker.
I couldn't get myself to read the paragraphs in the essays due to my short attention span, I failed and made the most silly mistakes, rushing to find an answer, I couldn't apply myself correctly, overthinking and failing to come to the occasion.
Maybe, I am dumb?
It's something I'd said verbally out, but as a means to get affirmations of the otherwise. I'd say that to get pacified that I'm not. I've come to believe it's otherwise. I am dumb. The world called me intelligent, just because I could piece together words better. But in actuality, I think I was far dumber than I though.
By dumb, do I mean I'm not intelligent? Of course not.
I believe strongly that I can observe and identify flaws far better than anyone. That I can synthesise concepts across subjects easily, and that I can apply myself well. That I can pattern match, the finest. But I've also established that I am dumb. Dumb in a manner that these skills of observation and pattern recognition only come to me when I sit with the problem for a while. That I do need a LOT more practice than usual.
That I need to put 3x-4x more effort to stand where my peers are.
It hurts, but it's alright.
I'm glad I learnt this at 22.
I have no excuses to fail, and any shortcomings of mine in the pursuit of success, must be only because I didn't apply myself enough.
I'd like to prove myself wrong. And for that, we start with the GRE.
I am dumb, but I am humble.