Stockpiling
I weighed myself today.
Don't like th number on the scale.
0.20kg away from 100.
Not so great.
The marathon training regimen for the Ultra isn't steaming so well either.
So is the GRE prep.
To assess where I stand, I can say in the past one month, the needle has moved, but not so much.
You could argue that this is good progress, but it's not at the element where I'd like to be.
With time running short, each day is getting more valuable, and I still find myself making the same mistake -- towering through junk food, shamelessly eating out, doomscrolling, and just outright being a menace.
Just as I was writing this, my attention span beckoned a scroll.
I find the concept of progressive change to be a bit BS now.
I hoped to change everything gradually, dropping my calorie count from 2,400 to 2,300 and progressively to 1900. But that's BS.
I still tend to go out party and not commit to studying for the GRE the way I'm supposed too. Why? Because I objectively just prefer scrolling.
I enjoy sacrificing building my tomorrow to enjoy something fleeting today.
And what's horrifying? I know I'm doing all of this and more, I'm self-aware that I'm sabotaging my future, yet I fail to respect it.
This cannot stand. The principles I've crafted must be upheld.
The individual I must become, should arise.
There is no room for error. There is no off-switch.
I mistake any moments of rest -- a trip, an outing or whatever to be a moment of relaxation and unwinding, but no. You unwind within the confines of your guidelines and mental models.
We, particularly, I believe that I can change gradually, in order to ensure the old-self of mine still remains preserved, at the driving seat. But oh, boy, how we're wrong. To change and succeed, requires a cold-blooded murder.
A murder of who I was to who I will become now.